Mother's Day

I love being a mom. I love waking up and peering in at my baby while she sleeps so soundly and peacefully. I love her smile when I go to pick her up from her crib. I love snuggling her in the morning. I even love the un-fun stuff like the massive poopy diapers and the occasional crabbiness and the crying when she doesn't get what she wants. I even love when she gets us up at night, just to make sure we're still around, and then goes back to sleep. I love being a stay at home mom, even though I often feel a little stir crazy. Once I start working, I'll never be able to spend so much time with her again, so I am relishing in these moments, these days spent dedicated only to her.

Truthfully, I had never really been excited about being a mom or thought that I would be a good mom. I remember some of my classmates in my senior seminar said their greatest aspiration in life was to be a mother, and I laughed on the inside. How could that be someone's greatest life's ambition? Yet now I understand the fulfillment and the joy that only parenthood can bring, that you can only get from holding your baby for the first time, from watching her grow and from loving her every day.

Although it pains me greatly to say this, I had a very hard time after I found out I was pregnant. Every day, I tried to be happy, to be excited, and yet more than anything I was sad and sometimes even mad, and I couldn't help it or make it go away. I had big plans for myself after college... plans that became absolutely impossible with the pregnancy and our baby. I felt that some people didn't believe in Erik and I, and consequently I doubted myself every day, doubted my ability to be a mother, to take care of another person. I wanted everyone to think I was happy and never talked to anyone about how I really felt. When you are going to have a baby, you should be happy, right? And so I was depressed for 2 months, with all my thoughts and feelings swimming around inside. And then ... we heard Lyla's heartbeat. That is the moment when all my tears turned to tears of joy, when I heard my baby for the first time, when I heard that she was healthy and knew in my heart that she needed me and that I could be and would be the best mother I could be for her. This was the day I felt all the happiness I had been searching for surge up from inside.

Tomorrow might be my first official Mother's Day, but I know I have been a mother since that day, February 25, 2010. I can easily say that was the happiest day of my life (her birthday a very, very close second... Wedding will probably be up there somewhere, too haha).

Happy Mother's Day to all! Snuggle your babies today, if they're 2 or 20!